End of January brought forward to tonight, drinkers confirm

PARTICIPANTS in Dry January have confirmed that the end of the month has been moved forward from next week until 5pm this evening.

The technicality that there is an unspecified number of days to go is largely considered irrelevant because time passes faster once you can have a drink anyway.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “Glad that’s over.

“It was a long month, I don’t mind saying, but nonetheless I’m glad I did it. It’s important to prove you can do these thing. Willpower.

“But a month’s a month, that’s the deal.

“Probably I won’t go crazy. I might have one, but not more. I don’t have to. It’s just I could if I want and nobody can stop me, because that’s over now.”

Archer added: “I could call in at Bargain Booze on the way home. If nobody’s going the pub.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Woman sure that drunkenly trimming her own fringe will end well

A WOMAN has made the drunken decision that she can trim her own fringe just as well as any fancy hairdresser.

Emma Bradford, who has been bothered by her unruly and overlong fringe for weeks now, assessed herself as fully competent to do the simple job using ordinary kitchen scissors.

She said: “This fucking thing has been in my face all night. I’m only going to take a tiny bit off. Where’s the spirit level?

“Sure, I could book an appointment with the hairdresser, but who needs her when I’m absolutely confident that I can totally smash it right now?

“I’m trained. I had a Girl’s World when I was a kid. Anyway, even if something goes wrong, which it won’t, it’ll just grow right back.

“Here we go… easy… eaaaasy…”

Bradford is next expected to be seen in public tomorrow morning, wearing a bandana and baseball cap on her way to an emergency appointment at Toni & Guy.

Next story ›