THE key to travelling in snow is preparation, and a willingness to eat human flesh.
According to Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies: “The important thing to remember, if you are forced to pull in, is that the warmest place in the car is under the bonnet. Use spanners to remove your car’s engine then climb inside, getting into the foetal position.”
Snow travel checklist:
Raw meat
Not only is raw meat an essential source of protein, if you rub it on your face and hands it leaves a layer of grease that will protect your skin from wind-chafing. Keep a bin bag full of uncooked meat in your boot.
Sword
Snowy conditions bring out highwaymen, brigands and carnivores attracted by your bag of meat. If any large organism approaches your stationary vehicle wave your blade and shout, ‘I’ve got a sword and I’ll cut your fucking head off’.
Crisps (Beef)
Beef crisps are another excellent source of protein. The packet also serves as a distress signal if you fill it with air then stamp on it.
Microscope
A magnification device is useful for checking whether all snowflakes are indeed unique.
A sense of romance
According to data for motoring organisations, 64% of drivers lack a basic sense of romance and adventure.
One of those giant kangaroo things from Empire Strikes Back
Not everyone has access to a tauntaun but if you live in the Star Wars universe they are the ultimate snow vehicle. Unless you are riding a female one that’s in season and there’s a group of male tauntauns around, in which case it’s a nightmare.
