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Ask Holly: I cannot continue working with desecrators of wheat fields

Dear Holly,

I’m finding it impossible to continue being a party leader, working in close proximity to sinners and desecrators of wheat fields so I’ve jacked it in, and will now be mostly waiting for Christ to visit me and give me a mission: perhaps to part the waves, or maybe to build an ark or, even better, to be a contestant on Love Island – surely one cannot be closer to God than frolicking with Gabrielle and Montana? Praise be to God, hallelujah.

Tim

Dear Tim,

When I grow up I’m going to get some plastic surgery and wear loads of make-up like a stripper and be on Love Island or Big Brother. I told my teacher about my career plans and she didn’t seem that chuffed and she said why not be a doctor or a politician? I think she’s actually a bit jealous that she didn’t think of it herself first. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend all those years working hard at school and university only to have to hang out all day teaching maths to a load of hateful kids high on Skittles when you could be in the sun talking nonsense to a halfwitted Adonis from Newcastle?

Hope that helps,

Holly

Dads warn against getting them any DVD with Ben Affleck in it

FATHERS have warned family members not to buy them any film that involves Ben Affleck.

With Fathers’ Day approaching, middle-aged men are anticipating gifts of unimaginative action films on DVD but stressed that they strongly dislike Ben Affleck.

46-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I do not recognise Ben Affleck as a legitimate screen hero.

“He has the sort of bland good looks that Hollywood studios think appeal to both men and women, however I only want to see his perpetually-disappointed face on screen if he’s getting pushed out of a plane in the opening scene.

“I can do Eastwood, Neeson, and Damon at a push. But not The Martian because that is just a man gardening in a big tent.”

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “Affleck is a knob, he thinks he’s ace but he looks like a burly supply teacher.

“And please don’t try to elevate my tastes with Interstellar because it’s like a Disney version of 2001 and now that I’m quite old it is possibly longer than the rest of my life.

“I’d quite like the that Steven Seagal film where a boat blows up. It might be called Exploding Boat.”

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