Gen Z fan at gig hoping band doesn’t distract from her phone
A GEN Z woman attending a gig is hoping the artist does not demand she spend too much time looking up from her phone.
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… I thought Coldplay fans liked boredom?
WAKING with a hangover strong enough to function as a wifi signal, I take a sip of water and reflect on the week’s events, in particular an unfortunate slip of the tongue during a speech.
Six weird grievances splitting up means you can get off your chest
RELATIONSHIP gone tits up? Ease the heartache with the knowledge that you’re finally free to air these home truths that have been bugging you for years.
I regularly popped into donor’s home for a dump, admits Streeting
WES Streeting has admitted that when touching cloth in Covent Garden he would often call into Lord Alli’s penthouse flat to defecate.
‘You just didn’t understand it’: The seven most annoying traits of arsehole Joker fans
WITH Joker: Folie a Deux out soon, prepare for a legion of twats angrily taking offence at even the most reasonable criticism of it. Here’s what to expect from them.
A white home counties roadman swags him’s gangsta birthday party
WAGWAN? Peng birthday to man, peng birthday to man, peng birthday Active J, peng birthday to man, innit.
Woman has light, painless periods because of her innate moral superiority
A WOMAN experiences hardly any of the debilitating effects of menstruation because of her natural goodness.
Earth to get unwanted immigrant moon
THE Earth is to get a moon it did not ask for, that has waltzed over from the outer solar system without permission, and which everyone is united against.
Shed Seven, and other 90s bands so forgettable you had no idea they’d already reformed
EVERYONE is still talking about Oasis, but did you know these other bland 90s bands are already touring again?
Schofield comeback scuppered by sex with younger volleyball
PHILLIP Schofield’s comeback on the Channel 5 show Cast Away has ended badly after an ‘inappropriate’ sexual relationship with a much younger volleyball.
Television unveils new method of mingling sub-standard genetic material
A NEW reality TV show on a digital channel has come up with yet another way of encouraging the unintelligent to meet and breed.
Answer to ‘Do you think anyone’s shagged in here?’ always ‘Yes’
THE perpetual question of whether any random space has hosted some level of sexual activity can always, without fail, be answered in the positive, it has emerged.
Middle-class teenagers ready their tales of trauma for freshers’ week
TEENAGERS from comfortable homes are ready to regale their peers with their complex traumas for an unforgettable first night at university.
Man pretty sure ’37-year-old’ Tinder date is Davina McCall
A MAN strongly suspects his supposedly 37-year-old Tinder date was TV presenter Davina McCall, known for her advice on sex and dating in your 50s.
‘Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?’ asks Google
GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.
Mash Blind Date: a man looking for true love and a woman who could tell he bloody was the moment she saw him
WILL Ryan Whittaker, who hopes to meet The One, and Lucy Parry who for f**k’s sake doesn’t want commitment right now, work it out?
The toilet, and five other places smartphones can never be banned
BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.