Graham Norton

In the 21st century, even Top Gear viewers have accepted that gay men can drive cars. That’s how open-minded we are. But camp gay men who make knowing little asides about sexual practices while getting on rather too well with Anne Hathaway? An outrage.

Hufty

Though not in comparison to this. The lesbian presenter of The Word, absent for decades, brought back just for this? Even if she is only filling the bullied Richard Hammond position? Worse, she’s from the north-east and accented accordingly.

Chris McCausland

It’s political correctness gone mad when a blind man is made presenter of a driving show. He’ll crash all the time, just like previous presenters have, but without sight how can he even harbour racial prejudice? He’d be basing it entirely on voice.

Any British drag queen

A drag queen is automatically included on every BBC show, even The Archers, but how is Silllexa Diction meant to squeeze her towering wigs into the low interior of a Lotus Emira? Even worse when she starts calling herself Jemima Clit-Tongue in a crude Clarkson parody.

Michelle Obama

Bad enough when Joey from Friends presented, but the former First Lady? Who’s done nothing but sit around writing for ten years, unlike Clarkson who wrote his many books and newspaper columns while at the wheel? This is tokenism. She’s there solely to alienate the franchise’s dedicated fans.

Jeremy Corbyn

The ultimate insult. His name is so close to the King of Top Gear, he went to a minor public school just the same, but something went horribly wrong. Can’t even drive. Put him in the Bugatti Brouillard and he’d just sit there lecturing the camera about global warming and ecosystems. Why does the BBC hate straight white men so very much?

Before accessing the finest free smut the internet has to offer, aspiring masturbator Tom Booker must first stare down his own weary, aroused expression via an adult website’s age verification check.

He said: “Forget scrolling through videos of MILFs and step-cousins trapped in washing machines. Gazing at my dead eyes, cock in hand, is the most depressing part of this whole dance.

“Nobody should suffer the indignity of looking at themselves before they rub one out. Even casinos protect the dignity of their patrons by banning mirrors. Plus making my face fit the oval kills the vibe just like putting a condom on, which I haven’t needed to do in the 18 months since I got dumped.

“And who knows where these age verification check photos end up. Maybe there’s a database of my haggard, horny mug out there somewhere. That’s the last thing I need to think about when I just want to wank to some tits.

“Maybe this is for the best though. It’s a chance for me to pause and reflect on my life. Do I really want to spend my evening watching hot people slam their bodies into each other? Perhaps I should go out and find love instead.”

He added: “Oh, wait, I’m in. Time to fire up some freaky hentai shit then feel disgusted with myself ten minutes later.”

Whinging about this country’s rubbish weather, inadequate housing system, lengthy NHS waiting lists, potholes and expensive trains will all be deemed exile-worthy offenses under the sweeping new policy.

A Home Office spokesperson said: “Britain is a welcoming country. So long as you foreign freaks choke down its myriad failings without so much as a sneer.

“Only true British natives are allowed to grumble about our awful way of life. If you don’t like our extortionate cost of living and oppressive class system, you can piss off back to whichever backwater you came from. I’m guessing France?

“Our enforcement officers are ready to swoop into action if they see an immigrant so much as tut at a soggy Yorkshire pudding. It’ll be the one service in this country that actually works, but Johnny Foreigner will probably find fault with that, too.

“If they pass a citizenship test they can moan about parking and Piers Morgan. It has to be in English though, do it in Welsh and they’ll be banged up for life.”

Immigrant Tom Booker said: “Britain’s not perfect, but it has a world-class immigrant-hating infrastructure. That’s why we all cross the Channel, to see it for real.”

While their grief is making few headlines, a whole generation for whom Parton was the go-to reference for larger-chested ladies are feeling the loss keenly and admitted they have lost an irreplaceable part of their world.

Tom Booker, aged 56, said: “From the first moment I understood some women have bigger boobs and that makes them desirable, Dolly was there.

“The 70s were a very breast-centric decade. The arse had barely been discovered then. But however busty a woman was, she was measured against the original when men said she was ‘like Dolly bloody Parton’, and found wanting.

“I grew up with Dolly as a vision of femininity women aspired to be and men referenced as the ultimate top-heavy icon. Did I know she was a genius songwriter? Not strictly, no. It didn’t come up in those circles.

“I mourn Dolly as a musician, a philanthropist, and as the woman who taught me to dream of a really large pair, vastly overspilling the hands. And that’s as valid as anyone else.”

He added: “Though I’ve never understood how her theme park Dollywood worked, in a practical sense. Was there some kind of cleavage rollercoaster?”

You get no eye contact

In the brief face-to face interchanges you have with colleagues, particularly females, they never seem to talk to you directly. Is this because you’re so ruggedly handsome that they fear gazing at you directly? No. It’s because your eyes are routinely transfixed at their chest and they’re all secretly bitching about your pervy ways.

You get fixed eye contact

Male colleagues, on the other hand, give you a fixed, unblinking glare. This isn’t the stoic glower of masculine approval you naively believe it to be. Instead, they’re pissed off because you either stole one of their clients, got the promotion that was rightfully theirs, or hit on their partner at the work do. Or, knowing you, all three.

They take non-existent phone calls

Constantly being on your phone around others is rude. That’s unless the person in question doesn’t like you, in which case it’s the perfect defence barrier. Notice how co-workers and acquaintances only seem to get calls when they see you approach, and how they always have to duck out and take it in private. It’s no coincidence. You’re that annoying.

You’re only in one WhatsApp group

Even tolerable people get roped into several WhatsApp groups like ‘Mark’s birthday gift ideas’ and ‘Soph’s leaving do’. Meanwhile you were only invited to one titled ‘Work’, and that was due to an administrative error. Although considering how annoying WhatsApp groups are, your terrible personality has done you a favour on this occasion.

You’re not invited to social events

Your mates invited you to their birthday parties and weddings a long time ago, but not anymore. And as for your work colleagues, they tend to keep their after work drinks to themselves. You get copied into the Christmas party email, but only because the company is legally obligated to. This behaviour is due to a little thing called your personality.

You’ve been punched in the face

People who are a pleasure to be around are sometimes punched, but only lightly and on the arm. A swift blow to the face is a coded message that your banter is grating and that everyone is tired of your constant one-upmanship. Your failure to pick up on this is also an indicator that you’re thick as shit. A quality that often goes hand-in-hand with being annoying as f**k.

Milton Keynes

Half-named after a man who did some culture, all connection with the corpus of the arts ends there. There aren’t even any bands from here despite it being full of young people who are bored shitless.

Wrexham

Has no connection to English culture because it’s Welsh, but has no connection with Welsh culture because everyone speaks English. The feet of Ryan Reynolds have trodden its pavement and he was in Deadpool & Wolverine. That’s as close as it gets.

Blackpool

Home to some of Britain’s most accomplished dick artists, who draw large cocks and balls on every unattended surface in the mouldering, deprived, permanent hangover of a town. Also hosts Strictly’s Blackpool week, which is best viewed safely on television.

Portsmouth

The perfect gauge of this town’s tolerance of culture is to try declaiming a Shakespeare sonnet in a kebab shop and see how quickly you get punched in the face by a sailor. If you make it all the way to ‘and more temperate’ then it deserves to be nominated. You won’t.

Sheffield

A thriving centre of culture if you count Sean Bean, Pulp and The Full Monty, all of which are decades old so you shouldn’t. Ready and willing to make art which is about how evil Thatcher was and how she ruined the North. Unwilling to make art about anything else.

Ipswich

The home of Ed Sheeran, which automatically disqualifies it. He’s not even popular with his fans now.

Swindon

Included on the list as a joke to check if anyone was reading it, and still on the list because they weren’t. Culture is anathema to Swindon. Most of its residents only moved here because fiction confuses them and they want it to be renamed ‘lies’ and banned.

Inverness

Easily the most cultured city on its latitude because everywhere else is a village. Naming it a ‘City of Culture’ is like saying ‘there’s a bookshop here’ which anyone who lives in the Highlands already well knows, for good or ill.

Middlesbrough

Volunteered for this because the residents have heard of culture and, what the f**k, everything else they’ve tried has failed so why not? Once they try it they won’t like it, and any visitors asking about it will be pointedly ignored.

Margolyes, who is gay, impeccably left-wing and says the C-word on chat shows, is thought to be a much more palatable pick for younger generations than the ‘problematic’ Rowling.

A spokesman for Warner Brothers said: “As owners of the cinematic rights to the Harry Potter franchise, we needed to protect our investment. And Joanne was an issue.

“It isn’t just her attacks on the trans community. She’s always on Twitter, which is an unacceptable hive of Nazis, and the whole ‘being Scottish’ thing isn’t as fresh as it was back in the oughts especially as she doesn’t back independence.

“Miriam, by contrast, was an enthusiastic Corbyn supporter, she’s pro-Palestine, she’s rude to all the right people. She’s the kind of loveable sweary auntie we need as writer. The other one can carry on writing her nasty spiteful murder books like a big old meanie.”

32-year-old Harry Potter fan Hannah Tomlinson said: “This means I can fully embrace derivative books for children about a boy wizard as central to my identity again!

“This isn’t just good news for me, but for my boyfriend, family, colleagues and everyone around me. Okay, all do a quiz to find out what your Hogwarts house is.”

Lucy Parry has condemned herself to a lifetime in debt by choosing a course which only broadens her mind and enhances her life instead of leading to a solid middle-management position.

Friend Ellie Shaw said: “I explained the point of university is to give yourself an unassailable advantage when applying for white-collar positions at blue-chip companies. But she kept talking about her ‘passion for learning’.

“What can she possibly learn by studying English Literature? All the books are summarised on Wikipedia now anyway, and if you need to do critical thinking about them there’s ChatGPT.

“Closely analysing incredible works by great writers is a waste of three years. All she’ll develop is a keen sense of empathy and a rich cultural understanding of the world around her. Employers don’t give a f** about that.

“And when she’s not making her way through the canon, she’ll be out on the piss and hooking up with boys doing sports science. I couldn’t think of a more dreary existence.”

Parry said: “Yeah, well if I regret my decision I’ll be able to articulate my despair in a Petrarchan sonnet.”

Susan Traherne: “I borrow money from an ex until payday”

I pretend I’m a single mother with six children who fails to plan ahead financially. At the end of the month I’m out of cash and the kids need crisps and energy drinks, so I borrow £80 from an ex – my husband, wearing a shell suit – and am so grateful I have sex with him in his housing association flat out of sheer gratitude.

Sophie Rodriguez: “I get a full house at bingo” 

He’s calling off the numbers and I’m marking them one by one using a dabber I bought off eBay. The tension is mounting with each one, we’re exchanging glances and fully aroused. When I finally shout ‘Bingo!’ he tells me I’ve not only won £125 in Matalan vouchers but his heart, and he takes me backstage, bends me over a folding table and does me.

Julian Cook: “I’m a plumber, she works at Greggs”

She’s got the branded polo, hairnet and apron on. I walk in, van parked on double-yellows, and order a sausage roll. She asks if I want vegan, I say ‘Do I look like a f**king media studies lecturer?’ and we’re both inflamed by the casual profanity. After I give her a good seeing-to in the back of the shop I hand her a fiver and tell her to keep the change and she does.

Carolyn Ryan: “I haggle at a car boot sale”

I’m seated on a nasty little folding chair behind a table of tat when a man asks how much for a tea-towel of Filey. I tell him a quid and he huffs and puffs and counters with an offer of 30p. I tell him jog on. He raises it to 50p and tells me I drive a hard bargain, we exchange goods, he sweeps the table clear and shags me on it then we drink strong tea from a flask.

Tom Booker: “I win the World Darts Championship”

I’m wearing the shiny top playing the deciding game at Ally Pally in front of a baying, drunken crowd. I hit all the right numbers, win the top prize and my wife fellates me while wearing a beer bottle costume. I used to start this fantasy with walk-on music, but my wife suggested it was too indulgent and was having an adverse effect.

Stephen Malley: “We fake genuine interest in other people” 

My barrister wife and I pretend to be poor commoners meeting in a public house. The kinky aspect is that we show real interest in each other, rather than bragging about our careers, children’s educational achievements and property portfolios. It gets primal and leads to carnal engagement. We can’t tell our friends, they’re not as open-minded as we are.

Serial killer Tom Logan, with six victims to his name, says that books like The Thursday Murder Club have spurred him to centre his crimes around church fetes and elderly choirmasters.

He said: “My first few murders were twisted, psychosexual affairs requiring clinical psychologists close to madness to put themselves in my depraved shoes. They were so 2008.

“I knew I had to move away from that derivative, outdated Wire-in-the-Blood nonsense and soon became absolutely captivated by the cuddlier side of crime. Offers such a contrast.

“My latest victim, for example, was a retired chess champion with a secret stash of Krugerrands underneath his mattress. Where did he get them? Why did I leave them? Only the local vicar-turned-sleuth can find out.”

Infamous strangler Bill McKay said: “Choking got old. Instead, I’m bludgeoning innocents to death with kitsch middle-class knick-knacks. I did the last one with a surprisingly sturdy polka-dot Emma Bridgewater teapot.”

“The contrast between the bloody crime scene and the kitschy tableware gave the police serious Midsomer Murders vibes. Though if I am caught, I hope it’s by a septuagenarian spinster who gets sensitive information by bribing officers with delicious baked goods.”

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are rethinking their entire plan to ingratiate themselves with the British public after a single winsome smile from the country’s only true princess left them looking like money-grubbing, vainglorious dicks.

A Royal insider said: “Not only is Kate smiling, she’s also wearing a hat. You’re finished, interlopers.

“With this single smile, which would have made every man in the Western world erect if that were not disrespectful, the Sussexes have lost. They won’t settle over here. Meghan will never get an acting job. Their children will be bullied out of school.

“The wattage of that mighty beam has exposed them for who they truly are; pathetic scum trying to worm their way back into the Royal family just because Harry is, technically, the King’s son. It won’t work. They can’t compete.”

To follow up the smile, Prince William will engagingly joke with ordinary members of the public while wearing a suit and that will be pretty much game over.

The lost continent of Atlantis

When sunken ships can be stumbled across, an entire lost civilisation should be a piece of piss. Decode a few ancient manuscripts, chart volcanic and/or meteor activity, hire a decent submarine. With a bit of prep it would take an afternoon at most. Whereas even a dentist who takes NHS patients won’t consider letting you on the waiting list.

A needle in a haystack

Hay is grass. Needles are metal. A metal detector from Argos and you’ll solve this proverbial conundrum in minutes. Finding an NHS dentist will require widespread industry reform and better pay for workers, all of which would make Tory newspapers angry, so you’ll just have to keep paying £220 a filing for now.

The clitoris

Not as difficult to locate as its reputation suggests. It’s tucked underneath a little hood like a teenage criminal, but you’ll know when you find it because of the intense reaction. Also its owner is keen to to give directions. Meanwhile NHS dentists look like regular people and their surgeries are just normal buildings. You could be one, for all you know.

Your soulmate

There are billions of people in this world, which makes finding the one a daunting prospect. Luckily though most people are happy to settle. NHS dentists are fewer in number and in much higher demand, and there are no apps ready to hook you up with them during a late-night swiping session.

Enlightenment

Buddhists make finding inner peace sound impossible. But if you obey their teachings, which they’ve been kind enough to jot down, you’ll achieve a higher plane of existence in 20 to 30 years at the outside. Sit under a tree and you’re halfway there. While NHS dentists were allowed to exit the Wheel of Karma in 2011 by the Cameron government.

The warning has shattered men’s collective belief that tapping ‘Follow’ on the account of an attractive stranger was a private act nobody would ever discover, much less judge.

28-year-old Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s sweet how naive they are. Imagining we don’t go straight to their follower list once we find their accounts. I’ve done it from the car park after first dates.

“And it’s all there – Only Fans models, ‘fitness’ videos clearly designed only to give your wrist a workout and obvious AI scam bots with names like ‘Big Tits Zilla’ and ‘Legs Daily’.

“They always say ‘I don’t know her’. Of course they don’t. She’s a porn star living in LA and they’ve hardly left Doncaster. But they seem to think liking all her posts is the first step to a sexual relationship.

“It’s not like we’re hacking into the Pentagon, boys, there’s an actual search button. We’re also looking for exes, anyone a bit young for you, friends you’d clearly bang given the chance and any sudden, suspicious interest in women’s sports.

“Why don’t they understand the whole world can see when you comment under a thirst trap with ‘yummy’? I haven’t been able to look at Grandad the same way since.”

Boyfriend Jack Browne, aged 27, said: “Soph’s a massive hypocrite. She claims she’s following my ex for ‘fashion tips’.”

Nodding in reasoned agreement

Ever wanted somebody to actively listen to whatever psychodrama you invented in work today while offering no contrary opinions? Perhaps muttering ‘God, she’s such a bitch’ at the appropriate moments? Premium subscribers can even have the name of the supposed bitch in question added for that personal touch.

Sweater-wearing

Nudity as an erotic kickstarter is nothing compared to a man wearing a really nice sweater that complements his beard, which was not grown to hide a double chin but because he works outdoors. The sweater is also not hiding a belly. You could fall asleep with your head on it while watching a Netflix film he has no interest in whatsoever.

Apologising

I’m sorry. No, stop, you were completely in the right and you have nothing to apologise for. I’m just so sorry I did that thing I did or I said that thing I said or didn’t do one or both of those things. You deserve so much better than (subscribe to read more).

This isn’t gay

Watch as men who definitely aren’t gay do the gayest shit you ever dreamed of while telling each other that they totally aren’t gay. Shirtless men daring each other to put things inside themselves while rubbing oil into their chests and listing all the famous women they would never have sex with. Ninja levels of really-not-gay.

Walking home alone at night

Seeing somebody not concerned for their personal safety in public places is aspirational wealth-porn. It’s a mile from the train station and there are no buses? He doesn’t care. Gape in amazement as he strolls off, noise-cancelling headphones on, not even checking over his shoulder.

Shutting the f**k up

Not a word. Not a f**king word.

‘Not trying to shag you’ simulator

A VR adventure where you enter text prompts for everyday social situations and not a single response is from a man and predicated on whether he wants you to do things to his penis. One of the hottest things you ever saw on the internet.

Despite it being her special day selfless bride Carrie Ryan is making sure the bouquet, bringing with it the promise to be next to wed, is caught by old friend Emma Bradford whose boyfriend Joe Turner has well-known commitment issues.

Carrie explained, “Yeah, it’s lovely to be getting married to the love of my life and everything, but that doesn’t mean abandoning the sisterhood.

“We discussed the bouquet-catching. We worked out Emma’s best angles, We practiced. As long as she doesn’t drink more than two glasses of prosecco before the throw, she’s got this and Joe has questions to answer. Or pop.

“I’ve also rewritten my husband’s speech to get a few digs in about Joe’s inability to pit a ring on it, and I’ve even made sure the bridesmaid’s dresses aren’t hideous to encourage romance. That’s hard for any bride but I made the sacrifice.

“Her not being married is just embarrassing at this point. Normally I find proposals at weddings cringey, but honestly, it’s all I really care about today.”

Emma said: “I’m not married, I’m not engaged, I’m not massively arsed. It’s everyone else who’s obsessed with it.

“Besides Joe didn’t even know I’d caught it. He was playing Minecraft on his phone.”

Roy Hobbs, roofer: “Satanic abuse network collapsed and they’re fleeing arrest most likely, same as Ellen.”

Helen Archer, relationship manager: “Because if they can reverse Megxit, it will prove to the country you can reverse Brexit. Yeah. That’s how evil they are.”

Wayne Hayes, traffic warden: “Simple. He’s got Anne Hathaway pregnant and it’s going to come out ginger.”

Sophie Rodriguez, charity co-ordinator: “Clearly they missed having the Daily Mail thump onto the doormat every morning, full of insightful stories about them and their lives.”

Mary Fisher, magistrate: “Being in the state where the industry is based and films proved an irresistible temptation and Meghan’s been doing porn again.”

Stephen Malley, landscape gardener: “Yeah, not to be all boring about this but he’s here because his dad’s dying. Sorry if that’s brought the mood down.”