Lifestyle
DEPUTY prime minister Oliver Dowden has advised Britons over-reliant on the internet to stock up on candles, batteries and pornographic magazines.
THE reason your tree is lopsided no matter how much you adjust it is because it is already shitfaced, experts have confirmed.
A SNOWMAN you made in the back garden is to remain in place after all other snow melts to remind you of what a poor job you did.
A PORTLY middle-aged goth has confirmed there is a limit to the slimming capabilities of an all-black wardrobe.
CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside.
A WOMAN is unable to sit backwards on a moving train for unspecified yet ominous reasons, it has emerged.
IN a jam and going nowhere fast? Here are five irrational acts that will have absolutely no f**king effect on your traffic situation.
TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.
A WOMAN who knows that she is attractive has declared that she simply cannot understand why other women dislike her.
IN an act of heroic feminist allyship, a considerate man has kept his views to himself throughout a conversation about star signs.